Regression ???

[  On feeling like I’m becoming younger, more naïve, losing myself . . . YES !!!  Time travel exists! ]

I turned 42 some months back – yep, I am middle-aged [no grey hairs and hardly any wrinkles yet though].  I don’t feel it;  but then, who really does feel their precise chronological age?  Ask any 78 year old woman how old she feels, and she’ll say 26.  Albeit 26 with a bad hip and a bunch of metal pins in her spine, and maybe a few life lessons learned, but still my mum M  —  I mean that woman still feels 26 in her core self.

I would have said 26 too – with a super-sizing of back pain and life lessons!

However . . .

Recently I’ve had the strangest sensation – I doubt I will be able to explain it adequately – that I am becoming somehow younger, more and more naïve, less mature, less aware of what’s going on around me and how to behave, less articulate, less capable of being a responsible ADULT.

I feel as though I am floating mentally – and yep, regressing.  All those lessons I learned the hard way throughout my life – gone.  All the  epiphanies and revelations and paradigm shifts during my CBT [Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions – more on those sometime] down the loo.

I’m definitely not 26 anymore, let alone a supposedly mature 42 year old woman.

I’m sure that a lot of this is due to the fact that I don’t get out of the house much, that I have been bed-ridden for the majority of the time for the last few  years.  I’m simply not interacting or engaging with other adults or just “being around people” in a work or social setting.  My life is NOT normal.  That’s going to impact on me in all sorts of weirdo ways; and as soon as I’ve worked out one weirdo problem another is going to take it’s place.

[ Especially when there’s one health drama after another to contend with.  I may be good at rolling with the punches but even prize-fighters get a bit of a break between rounds and bouts. ]

Okay, and yes, definitely; a LARGE percentage of the floatiness can be attributed to the fact that I am on lots and lots and lots of medication.  LOTS.   Of really powerful stuff.

It’s a wonder I can express myself at all, to coordinate the brain to direct the  eyes to the screen, and the fingers to tap the keys in the correct order;  that I’m not dribbling INTO the keyboard and rocking back and forth singing “Row, row, row your boat . . . “.

But yes . . . it’s still a very disconcerting sensation, feeling like you’re going backward, and life is even less in your control than ever.  I guess all I can do is remind myself that I did feel adult, mature, responsible, articulate, useful etc. once, and I will again.

In the meantime I’ll be sitting over here in the corner with my knickers on my head singing nursery rhymes backward.

So how old do YOU feel vs. your chronological age? Do you ever feel like you are slipping backward, or maybe that time and control are slipping away from you?

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