Ahhh crap cont’d

Oh joy, the crap doth continue.  Briefly, the last couple of weeks have been spent in recuperation from the recent gastrointestinal party and other fun stuff.  The results of all the tests were mostly totally normal – which is wonderful, how often do I hear that something about my body or brain is “normal”?  Also a massive relief of course – but on the flip side, no idea as to the cause of the commotion.  Possibly something liver-ish, which wouldn’t surprise me.  So we battle on.

Plus right now I’m in the third – or is it fourth? – week of a migraine from hell and all I’m capable of is sleep, wake to whimper in pain, swallow another handful of pills, force the occasional piece of peanut butter toast down my throat, sleep some more, and try very hard not to fall into the slough of despond.  Bleaugh bleaugh bleaugh. 

It’s the same old stuff, depressed and frustrated and totally pissed off about being always sick and tired and a total wreck, with no break or relief or end in sight.  Then I get the guilts about being an emotional and financial burden on Tuxedo and generally a complete failure and if only I could work then we wouldn’t be flat broke and struggling to pay bills and budget whilst attempting to figure out how to get necessary things done to the house before summer etcetera [crim mesh security doors and UV blinds for a start] and replace Tux’s computer which is banjaxed but somewhat necessary since he’s an I.T. engineer and is required to work home a lot [and of course the workplace won’t pay for a computer or make it tax deductible, don’t be daft, only CEOs get home computers because they’re Really Important People even though they are incapable of sending an email, so the machine is mostly used by spawn googling for porn and no I’m not kidding about that either].  GAH.

It also pisses me off that I receive no benefits or assistance, pharmaceutical or other concessions or disability / health support.  It’s not like Tux is on $ 100 K or anything – half that is more like it which is ridiculous given the diversity and level of skills required in the work he does but that’s I.T. in Perth for you [thanks, incompetent and moronic outsourcing!], and it’s all so fucking unfair.  It would still be fucking unfair if he was on $ 100 K.  I’m a fiercely independent person and this shit is killing me.  The system really sucks.

. . . . . . . . . .

The whole health issue is pissing me off, to be honest.  It’s not like it’s leukaemia or MS [although the EDS is related to MS and other HLA diseases], it’s merely a bunch of diseases and syndromes that have this massive cumulative effect.  Interestingly, my GP wants to chat and research further into precisely why there is so much wrong with me.  Naturally I’ve questioned this myself but anytime I’ve brought this up with a medical professional they’ve just done the rolling eyes heavenward thing and told me I got dealt a bad hand … which I’m aware of, thanks; I’d like to know WHY.  Needless to say I think my GP fabulous for the way he takes care of me and the holistic approach . . . and now being genuinely interested in the whys and wherefores.

I mean just lok at me;  I’ve got at least three auto-immune diseases / syndromes one of which is major and extremely rare, plus all the other bits and pieces and neurological stuff, none of which make sense.  Genetics?  In utero issues?  Add in near-fatal meningitis at six?

So yeah … I’m feeling down and out right now and yes I’ve been here many many times before, I know I’ll bounce back, get the bit between my teeth again [to use a horsey term], and be off and running, but at the moment I’m just plain miserable, see no end in sight to all this shit and am really not worth talking to.   That includes the distinct possibility of pulling this site; it’s just so pointless and boring, basically it’s annoying the shit out of me which isn’t productive . . .  But I’ll be back under another name and format – once I figure out what that is.

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